As students get older, their social worlds become much more complex and nuanced. Things that were once black and white - teasing, friendships, rules - begin to shade into more gray areas. This is appropriate -- developmentally they are more ready to understand context, tone, nuance and exceptions to the rules. However, it is also confusing, especially since different kids begin to experiment with things like sarcasm at different times. Classmates that were once on the same page socially can suddenly just not get each other. This is hard for everyone and that's why we focus on friendship a lot in our fourth and fifth grade social and emotional learning lessons.
Last week Kelsey came in to work with me and the Herons to explore friendly teasing. We used puppets and exaggeration to help students understand "friendly teasing." When kids are little, they are told "teasing is mean." And it is. But as we get older, we often gently tease friends or trash talk during a game. How do you navigate this new space - and also take responsibility when your words do hurt someone, even if it was unintentional.
The Friendly Teasing Flow chart allowed us to solidify what often seems pretty hazy. Just how and when is it OK to tease someone? Use the flowchart to find out.
Students enjoyed putting the scenarios that Kelsey and I created to the test. Friend having a bad day? Stop at step 2. Random kid on the playground? Stop at step 1. At lunch? Proceed with caution and make sure you aren't trying to show off to other kids and put your friend down.
What happens when you make a mistake (and we let them know they will make mistakes.). We as adults make mistakes in friendships, too, and it's important to know what to do. We practiced taking responsibility -- and not blaming a friend for "not getting the joke."
So many times, people couch truly mean things by saying they were "just kidding" or it was "just a joke." We felt it was important to address these "sorry, not sorry" statements directly. (And it might be an opportunity for continued family conversations.)
In fact, all of our social and emotional lessons are great opportunities to have conversations at home and many families have found the language useful in their work at home. Here is a toolkit we wrote to explain the "Full Plate" analogy we use to help students develop empathy. Here, too is a useful toolkit for friendship role play, including friendly teasing.
These conversations never happen singly. Indeed, we have had several opportunities to freeze a moment and put our friendly teasing flow chart to use in the classroom. Who knows, maybe this week's family gatherings will afford an opportunity to talk about friendly teasing!