The Rookery

All In a Day's Work

One of the challenges of writing a blog is that often, in a single day, there will be two or three things that I could write an entry about.  (This problem is compounded in January when all of my writing energy goes into narratives.)  By the time I peep my head back into the blogosphere, there are thirty to forty things that I wanted to write about.  So I'm going to start fresh today and share the three moments when I thought, "I should put this in a blog."

Uncanny Triangles

The best math lessons are those in which we are using new skills and ideas to solve a puzzle together.  Today, the Herons looked for Uncanny Triangles.  In the problem, "uncanny" triangles are right triangles whose area is equal to the sum of their two shortest legs.  How many uncanny triangles were there (if we limited it to sides whose sums were equal or less than 15).  We made sure everyone understood the task at hand and went at it.

I worked with a group at the carpet that wanted to explore the challenge in a more supported way.  We reviewed how to find the area of a triangle and went over "sum" again.  Then we started to draw triangles and test them out together.  Another group wanted to work more independently and headed off to the tables.

Soon someone exclaimed, "The bigger the numbers, the less likely that they'll work."  I stopped the class for a moment and shared that conjecture, labeling it the T Conjecture for the child whose idea it was.  A conjecture in math is like a hypothesis in science.  It's an idea that you look for evidence to prove or disprove it.  A lot of heads nodded and someone shared, "Well, the products get a lot bigger than the sum when you are multiplying big numbers so that makes sense.

The hunt continued and soon both groups had discovered the same uncanny triangle.  Were there more?

One student explained she didn't have a proof, she had something that was just true, "You have to have at least one even side because two odd numbers multiplied together always equal an odd number."

The rest of us took a second to catch up to her thinking and try a few out.  I considered going off on the tangent of how we can know this is true but decided not to (can you explain why?).  We wrote it down in our list of conjectures (and now proofs).

Another conjecture - "You can't have one as one of the sides."

Then some questions.  Can you have negative sides?  I was skeptical...how would you draw it?  They explained that if something went to the right and was 4 long then if you flipped it wouldn't it go to the left -4?  I asked them if they could use a ruler to measure it and what it would say.  "4 both ways."  We decided a triangle couldn't have a negative side.

Can you have a triangle with a zero side?  One of the students had drawn a line segment and labeled its lengths as 8 and 0.  "What makes a triangle a triangle?"  The class agreed that three sides were needed.  The triangle with a 0 side did not have three sides so didn't count.

I set up a table because I was running out of room to draw triangles.  For some students, that made sense; others preferred to stick with trying different triangles by chance.

We found a second uncanny triangle.  A new conjecture was made - since the sum/Area of one that we found was 9 and the sum/area of the other was 8, perhaps we should look at 10 and 7.  We wrote up a list of "tens buddies" from way back in kindergarten - the numbers that add to 10 and tried them out as triangles.  No luck.  We tried the "sevens buddies" still no luck.  We tried sums of 4, 5, 6, 8, 11.  No luck

Our time had elapsed but now we had a way to know for sure if we had all of the answers - we just had to try out the other sums.  (Editors note:  when linking the problem in the first sentence, I noticed that a single side was allowed to be 15 - not just the sum.  does this make a difference?)

Spoiler alert - the picture below shows both of our solutions...so far.  Can you keep another secret?  We did a lot of practice with the area of a triangle!

But Wait...There's More

The metric system was a topic of hot debate in our foundation math group this morning.  It wasn't supposed to be.  I made an off hand comment about how Newfoundland had gotten 75 cm of snow on Friday.  I through out the question, "How many meters is that?"  Crickets.  "How many centimeters in a meter?"  A few hesitant guesses.

Oops.  Mind the gap - time for a mini lesson.  The kids knew about meters (and centimeters) but didn't know how they were connected or why they make so much more sense than inches and yards.  We had 15 minutes.

I explained a (very brief) explanation of the adoption of the metric system - including its unfortunate timing with the english and french conflicts.  We ended up with the vastly inferior "customary" system.  Once students were aware of how our base 10 number system was the basis of the metric system (and we had done a few blissfully easy conversions between meters and centimeters and a few brutal conversions between fractions of yards and inches) they were up in arms.

As they left, they were planning for the student council to make a policy proposal to make metric the official measuring system of Prairie Creek.  Onward.

Many Returns - A Conversation to Honor Martin Luther King

The notion of having "The Talk" with your kids about "the birds and the bees" is outdated of course.  Ideally, we have many, many conversations about development and puberty and relationships.  The same is true for conversations about race.  A single conversation will never be enough to help our children construct an understanding of the history that has led to this point and the actions that are needed to begin to make the world a better place.  And so we return to conversations about race often, weaving in new information and broadening our understanding.

Today was another conversation in that work.  I had students read excerpts of "Oh Freedom!"  It's a book of interviews of people who experienced segregation and participated in the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s.  The interviews are done by 4th graders who interviewed people in their community.  The students could name Martin Luther King Jr., Ruby Bridges, and Rosa Parks but most are still building their understanding of the role of every day people in the movement and these interviews shared those stories in simple, approachable ways.  The students read and discussed in small groups the came back to the large group to share questions and thoughts that they had.

These conversations are necessary, but sometimes difficult and often unpredictable. I recently found a wonderful resource, Not Light, but Fire by Matthew Kay  (Download Author Interview With Matthew Kay), that emphasized the importance of teaching listening in conversations.  I prefaced our discussion today with those reminders.

The conversation was rich and, indeed, did go in directions I had not anticipated.  Kay talks about the necessity of taking these risks - the conversation must be genuine if it's going to shift students' understanding.  At one point, we talked about how people came to accept segregation (one of the interviews was with a white woman who remembers being a little girl first noticing segregation).  The Herons remembered a conversation we had earlier this year about fish and water - we don't always question what's around us.  Dr. King and the many people who marched along side him, had the ability to see what was wrong with the "normal" and speak up against it.  We talked about situations on the bus when we knew something wasn't O.K. but went along with it because everyone was doing it.  A child asked about George Washington...how could someone who was "nice" (his word) own slaves?  Another child pointed out that "the victors write the stories."  That took some unpacking but the students knew from our Silk Road theme and other conversations that there are a lot of stories missing from our history and that it's the job of historians to find them and tell them. 

Propaganda was brought up in the context of how the Nazis convinced people to follow them.  That led to talking about the "scientific" rationales (head size measurement) that people used to justify being against women from voting and the religious rationales that people used to justify enslavement.  One student shared that there were studies that showed that women were smarter than men.  That provided some more great conversation - how was the study done?  How do you define "smart"?  What tools did they use to test people?  Were the tests biased?  What IS bias? I interjected at this point and shared that I had never seen a valid study that indicated an intelligence difference between sexes and that even deciding how "intelligence" is defined and measured was controversial.

Eventually the conversation circled back to the interviews.  The students were interested in what happened when the Emancipation Proclamation was signed.  We talked briefly about Reconstruction and the Jim Crow laws that were a response to formerly enslaved people being given rights and property.  That cycle of freedom and unjust laws has continued and we talked (very) briefly about Black Lives Matter.

Whew.  Like any conversation of this type, there were a lot of loose ends.  Students come into the conversation with a lot of different experiences and a lot of different levels of historical understanding (one student shared a lot of detailed information about why southerners were against a central U.S. bank...) . But by starting the conversation, they know that this is something that we need to talk about and know about. 

Oh yeah - and we went skiing and worked on our opera!

Wrapping It All Up

Herons at the end of the Silk Road

My very favorite thing about culminating events is that I'm not in charge.  About a week before the big day, something subtly shifts and the ideas start to come too fast for me to keep up with.  Students begin to make things happen all by themselves so that, by the time our first guests arrive, there are all kinds of things for me to discover as I walk around.  Today, I heard one child share a welcome speech that she had carefully written and memorized, unbidden by me.  Other students had done extra research and were teaching things I didn't know about.  When I left the gym at eleven, the Great Wall was a series of boxes in the middle of an otherwise bright and empty gym.  When I returned at 11:15, the room was illuminated by lanterns, the windows were darkened, the truly great wall stretched across the gym and pipa music filled the air.

In a conversation with a colleague, we described this part of our work as riding a wave of energy.  The students are all so focussed and driven and excited - I just get to keep up with them.  It's exciting and a little unnerving, but they're ready.  Not only have we been studying the subject for a few months, we've been building the skills that enable them to be independent learners and innovators.  They don't need me - except for finding things in the basement or figuring out how to copy four items to a page.  My job is to say, "Yes, how can I help?"  I have never once had to re-direct a Heron behaviorally during one of our culminating events - this is their time to shine.  They don't just know their stuff, they own their stuff.  I couldn't be more proud.

The Herons gave a gift to the school today.  A friend texted me that her kids were playing "Silk Road" when they got home - trading items and setting up stations around the house.  A fifth grader from another class stopped me after school to share his financial genius - he had made the trip from Antioch to Xi-an four times - quintupling his profits with each run (it will be such fun to talk with the Herons about his idea and ask them if it could have happened on the real Silk Road).  Some of the topics from today might find their way into personal projects - they'll certainly find their way into class discussions.

And of course, the Herons benefit from the work of other classes, too.  Today the Herons brought up some of the things they learned from the Robins' event on the Constitution during our morning meeting.  Tomorrow they'll learn from the Kestrels about a proposed climate action plan for the school.  We are a community of learners and culminating events enable us to weave our learning together.

Learning to Remember

What makes learning truly memorable?  What will students take away from our work that will still be with them a year from now?  When they graduate?  When they have kids in school themselves?

I was struck by a conversation last Friday at Special Persons' Day.  The Herons were interviewing our visitors about memories they had of school and one grandfather came up to me to share his memory.  His fourth grade teacher - he still remembered her name - had allowed her students to put their desks wherever they wanted in the room for the last month of school.  The rest of the year, they were in rows but that final special month, they could gather in groups to work in projects (or separate off to work by themselves.)  And he still remembered that  - all these years later.  His eyes were alight and he smiled fondly as he told me about that special month (and special teacher.)

I think his story was about much more than a seating assignment.  He was trusted by his teacher to make good decisions about his learning.  She treated him as an active participant - not a passive receptacle.  For that month, he had an agency that he was often denied.  Perhaps, most importantly, he was respected by his teacher and trusted.

Student agency and respect are central to progressive education.  In the Herons, we make decisions about learning together.  This doesn't mean that "anything goes." Students are expected to take responsibility for their learning since they are given the freedom to make decisions about their learning.  As the students will tell you - with freedom comes responsibility. 

 •  During independent reading, students read "just right books" and, if they are having difficulty doing that independently, I can include them in a book club, include them in article readings or set goals with them using a tool like "genre bingo."

•  In math, students are often asked to do formative assessments.  Often, when they don't understand something, they'll mark that item with a "TM" or "Teach Me."  They understand that the onus is on them to identify what they need to learn next.

• During number talks, students listen to each others' ideas and consider them carefully.  Does it work?  Is the math solid?  Do they have questions?  Students are responsible for critiquing each others' explanations...and I guide the conversation with my own questions.

• In writing circles, students are able to choose the theme that they are writing about - and then they are responsible to their peers to create a written piece to share in the time allowed.

• In theme, students frame questions to extend and propel our learning.  While I know the outline of what we will learn, the students provide the energy and the curiosity that define it.  As the theme progresses, they take more and more ownership of their learning until I get to sit back and watch them teach you at our culminating event.

There are many more examples of ways our students learn to take responsibility for their learning.  And, like moving those desks out of the rows...we hope it's learning they'll remember when they come back as a special person at their grandchildren's schools.

 

 

 

Making Space for the Necessary Conversations

The Herons are reading The Watsons Go to Birmingham, 1963 for our read aloud right now.  The author, Christopher Paul Curtis, creates utterly believable characters who are part of a warm, loving family.  Parts of the story are roll on the floor, crying funny.  But other parts are hard...really hard.

The Watsons live in Flint, Michigan and are black.  The story begins in Flint but, when big brother Byron crosses one line too many, the Watsons head south for a stay with Grandma Sands, a no-nonsense disciplinarian who promises a quieter summer of wholesome activity.  The year is 1963 and Grandma lives in Birmingham.

Kenny, the ten year old narrator, has had to endure some racism in his life - teachers who hold him up as a "credit to his race" because of his reading ability; his sister Joeta is given a white angel doll. But, as the Watsons head south he encounters Jim Crow for the first time and his confusion and disbelief and fear mirror the reaction of many of the Herons.

It's a book that I have read before because I know it affords rich opportunities for the discussions we need to have about racism, poverty, colorism, segregation, racist systems and the legacy of slavery in America.  There is never a comfortable time for these conversations - but it is crucially important that we make the time and space to talk -- right now while our kids are still listening.  I've heard too many stories of older white kids claiming after being caught Tweeting something racist, using a slur or sharing a meme, "I didn't realize it was offensive..." or "I didn't know..." or "it was a joke..."  I want to make sure that our kids who are in the dominant culture will know better and I want to make sure that our kids of color know that school is a place where we are talking about the issues they have to think about every day.

So today, the Watsons stopped at a rest area at night in Appalachia and Byron peers into the dark woods and tells Kenny there might be "rednecks or crackers" out there who would hang them.  I stopped to explain the terms "redneck" and "cracker" - Byron is using derogatory words for southern whites - words rooted in slavery ("cracking the whip") and Byron is worried about racists finding them and attacking them at the rest stop (sadly, a valid fear). We pivoted to a conversation about hurtful words that groups sometimes take back; they use the word themselves in order to neutralize the power of the people who were using the word against them.  I explained that the n-word was one example.  Sometimes white teens express confusion, "Why can't I use a word that I hear in music or I hear black kids using?"  And the answer is, of course, it's not a white kid's word to use.  Ever. Because they are not the ones who need to take something back. By stating that explicitly and clearly, and providing some context for the discussion, I hope that the lesson will stick and these white kids will be in a position to know how to stand up when they see racism and explain things to their peers.

I am not an expert.  There are always parts of these conversations that I play over in my head and wish I'd found different words for.  But these are conversations which must be had as we work to make this world better.  As you continue the conversations at home, this reference from the New York Times might be useful.  Thank you for your trust and the opportunity to grow and learn with your children.

 

Teaching to Learn - the Secret of Culminating Events

Last week, the Herons entered Xi'an and the long awaited secret of silk was finally theirs.  They received silk cocoons and the tools they needed to process the

Filling the white board with what we've learned

cocoons and get them ready to spin into thread.  It was the end of a long journey - across seas and rivers, through mountains, desert and steppes.  Before we reached Xi'an, a spy from Emperor Dezong's court offered to share the secret of silk in return for learning some of the the things the caravans had learned along the Silk Road.  The Herons obliged and filled the white board with information (which the spy was very happy to receive.)

 

The letter from the Emperor's Spy

Today a student asked, "Now that we've reached the end of the Silk Road...are we done?" Several students answered the question before I could, "No!  We have the culminating event!"

 

At this point in a theme all of the information that we've learned is adrift in students' minds.  They remember bits and pieces but it hasn't become cohesive yet.  The culminating event is key to the learning we do; it ties things together and cements them. For many if not most themes, a culminating event gives the learning the shape it needs to become truly meaningful.  Things come into focus.  Details are fleshed out.

The process is three fold: 

• First we review as a group - what all did we learn?  We fill the board with ideas and information. 
• Then we prioritize - what was most important?  why? what should people really understand about the Silk Road when they leave our culminating event?
• Finally, we deepen our understanding by preparing materials to teach our visitors.  Inevitably, this preparation leads to more questions and more research.

Beyond the research and content of the theme, preparing for and hosting the culminating event develops students' "soft" skills (a term I've not yet come to terms with).  Students must plan, create, problem solve, negotiate, engage, present, answer questions, and work independently.  My role fades and I become a glorified gofer, supporting students' work.  And by the time the culminating day arrives (December 19, 12:45-2:00) the students have so much ownership that I am no longer needed.  The learning has become completely theirs.

We are so excited to bring you on our journey.

The Herons celebrate the secret of silk (and Pajama Day)

 

Making Our Way Along the Silk Road

Making Faloodeh in Merv

The Herons stand at the edge of the Taklamakan Desert, contemplating the more well traveled but longer northern route or the riskier, shorter southern route to Dunhang, possibly the last stop on their journey.  They have still not discovered the secret of silk, but sense that they are getting closer to Seres, the source of the silk that is so precious in the Charlemagne's Empire.

Along the way they've encountered many new ideas, foods, cultures, and religions:

In Constantinople, they visited the huge Hagia Sofia church and enjoyed some delicious garum, a fermented fish sauce.  The greek alphabet and number system was new and exciting. However, rumors of silk production seemed to be false and they continued on to

Antioch where they enjoyed some delicious apple tea and flatbreads with the local goat cheese.  Charlemagne was pleased to learn of the noria, a technology used to raise water into aquaducts.  Thanks to the Noria, the Antiochians enjoyed flowing fountains and some houses even had indoor plumbing. Those same houses had beautiful mosaics. The traders sagely bought up tyrian purple dye, sure to be worth more as they traveled east.  In Antioch, the caravans also found silk cocoons, unwrapping (pardon the pun) part of the mystery but they were told the cocoons came from Baghdad or perhaps...

Merv where the Herons discovered yakhchals, ice houses that kept blocks of ice frozen through the summer even through the blazing heat of summer.  They use that ice to make faloodeh - an rose water and lime ice cream still popular in Iran today.  We marveled at the tiles in the mosques and learned about the tenets of Islam.  In the market, they learned of a number system that used only ten symbols, using locations to represent groups of tens, hundreds or thousands (so much better than roman numerals!)  But alas, no one in Merv could make silk the secret lay farther east and the Caravan headed across the Karakum Desert to Samarkand, the Ferghana valley and in the foothills of the Tian Shan...

Kashgar where traders from India to the south have brought the ancient religion of hinduism.  Hindu numbers work like the Arabic numbers the Herons learned about in Merv and alphabet has thirty vowels and forty consonants!.  Kashgar lies at the intersection of many trading routes and many languages are heard in the market place - "Shalom," "Namaste," "Yassou"  - and the music of the Daira and Tabla fill the streets.  The secret of silk must be near.  Some of the traders say they have seen it made and so onward...

The Herons are nearing the end of the silk road where we'll be unravelling our own silk cocoons (shhhh!  they don't know that yet) and reflecting on the impact of the Silk Road on the cultures that traded along it.  We'll also be preparing to teach the school (and you) about what we've learned along our journey.  If your interest is piqued, you can check out some of the on-line resources we've used to supplement the books and articles we've read as we explore.

Here are some pictures - we had a great time experimenting with girih tiles:

The Many Ways You Give

A chickadee welcomes students.

As I walked out of the school last Friday, I was greeted by this cheery chickadee - peeking out of a nest in the planters that welcome children to school every day.  Liz had been at it again.  Quietly and without fail, she changes our planters to match the seasons.  This fall she put in plants with a sensory theme so students could smell and touch them.  Last spring we had beautiful pansies - just in time to brighten May Day.  This work is part of her gift to the school and it brightens every day.

And every day it helps me reflect on the many, many people who quietly work to make our school what it is.  Every room has volunteers who never fail to step up and lend a hand.  Augustino cleans our rooms every evening.  Volunteers serve us lunch every day along with Frankie and Liz.  Experts bring new and exciting information into our themes.  Chaperones keep everyone safe.  I've never been at an event where the chairs aren't spirited away and the kitchen left (much) neater than it was found.  Board meetings are attended.  Kindling is chopped.  T-shirts are distributed.  Books are ordered and organized.  The list goes on and on and on.  Without our community, the school would be a shadow of itself.

And we are also bolstered by a wider community of parents, grandparents, friends, alumni, and alumni families who support us financially in our work.  We cannot teach the way we believe in without that financial support.  (Although all of us wish that funding were robust enough that we didn't have to ask for donations...it's just not.)  We need to meet our fundraising goals to ensure that Prairie Creek can 

The Herons sometimes joke that whatever we are doing, whatever question comes up I say, "I have a book about that!"  The book fairy doesn't provide those books - its the generous classroom budget that for years I have been able to spend to build a robust (and eclectic) classroom library.  I use that budget to bring themes to life through special materials and field trips.  That budget also supports our tools in forest school - jeweler's loupes, good whittling knives, loppers, bow drills.  Are these things essential?  No.  Do they help create a learning experience that is rich and memorable?  Yes.

Our fundraising also ensures small classes where students can be known and nurtured.  It provides support staff that help us concentrate on our teaching.  It helps us maintain our outdoor spaces and create new learning initiatives.  It also ensures that I can offer scholarships to kids and we can keep field trip costs low by having the school cover the cost of the bus.

So thank you.  Thank you for all of the hours you put in to make our school what it is.  Thank you for all of the interest you show in your child's work and development.  Thank you for giving financially what you can, when you can.  Prairie Creek would not be possible without you.  If you are able, please consider a gift for Give to the Max Day.  

Remaining Open...Getting to Mastery

A recent math conversation made possible by math fluency.

Today I went out driving with my sixteen year old son.  It is fair to say this is not yet his favorite activity.  (I was the one who added that "yet" -- he is pretty sure it will never be something he wants to do.)   You see, it's really hard for him.  He can't sense what to do.  There are so many things to watch for.  He has to think about everything.  Nothing is natural.  Nothing is automatic. It's hard and it's not fun.

My son was trying to logic out which way to turn the wheel so that he could pull out of a parking place on Division Street (don't worry, we were there very early on a Sunday) and then he had to think about when he was twenty yards from the stop sign so that he could begin signalling and then he had to remember to start to break.  The joy of a road trip seemed very far away.

When I wasn't thinking about how close they put mailboxes to the road these days, I was thinking about our math night on Tuesday.  There are a striking number of similarities.  For kids who don't have facility with their basic facts, math exploration can lose much of its joy.  They can't sense what to do; they have to think about everything; nothing is automatic. It can make math a battle and no one wins.  When you don't know your basic facts, patterns aren't obvious.  Relationships evade you.  Everything can seem arbitrary.  And everything is a lot more work. 

Indeed, many of us were taught math in a way where joy and even understanding weren't expected.  One memorized how to do things and questions of inquiry like, "Why does this work?" were often shut down.  Many folks learned math facts in a way that didn't lead to greater math understanding -- just more things to memorize, often in stressful timed situations.  It's not surprising that many people feel that math's "not their thing."  But, importantly, it can be your thing (and your child's thing!)

On Tuesday at math night, the whole faculty will talk with families the shift in how we are developing math fluency from kindergarten through fifth grade.  We'll share the research that has led us to this place and provide supports for all parents so that home math activities are successful and lead to powerful, deep math fluency.  I hope you can join us.

 

 

The Power of Place. The Magic of Discovery

Off to adventure.

Our school has gone to Wolf Ridge for thirty years.  I've gone about fifteen times.  And yet, I still get excited.

Tucked up on the North Shore, Wolf Ridge is, of course, beautiful -- sometimes breathtakingly so.  I will never forget the sky-brightening meteor that streaked across the sky during one of our night hikes, nor the absolute quiet of snow falling in a hemlock grove.

But the true magic of Wolf Ridge lies in the discoveries that students make there.  The naturalists are unparalleled in their ability to draw students in to moments of wonder.  While I know that they have taught a given lesson on animal signs countless times, one would never know it by watching them teach.  They gasp as a student points out a clump of deer hair.  They are first to wade through the snow to examine another student's discovery of fresh wood chips from a pileated woodpecker hole.  Their energy fuels the students' wonder.

Once, when we were supposed to be snow shoeing to an Ojibwe waginogan, a student spotted an unusual pattern in the snow.  The naturalist gathered everyone in a circle around the find.  We made observations and described what we saw and slowly uncovered what had happened - an owl had swooped down from a tree, plunging through the snow to grab a tunneling vole.  It had left a small hole in the snow and its wings had left perfect feather prints on the surface of the fresh snow.

It takes great skill to lead students in discoveries like these.  Each group that I've gone with has felt deeply that they are the first kids ever to see something or do something there.  The naturalists create a world in which the students' learning is truly authentic.  They feel that their experience is unique...and it is.  They make it so.

I am so glad that our students get to learn in this way and in this place.

Words to Live By...or at Least Get Along By

On Friday, I decided it was time to discuss the phenomenon of 4th and 5th grade lawyering*.  Several conflicts had popped up, both among children and between children and adults that all had the same cause - individuals jumping into a defensive pose when asked to stop something because they weren't (technically) doing it.

Perhaps you've experienced this in your own home.  It often goes something like this: "I asked you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!"  "I did put my dishes in the dishwasher."  "Your glass is still right here!"  "You said dishes!"  The Herons all smiled knowingly when I gave them a few examples.  Almost all of them admitted that yes, they had done this at some point.  (An aside - I think that it is a developmental stage as students gain more verbal skills and are able to understand nuanced differences in language.  My husband was once a camp counselor and came across a child throwing water balloons when he had told him just an hour before not to throw water balloons.  The child's response?  "It's a Dr. Pepper balloon.")

When I asked the Herons about how people reacted to their "technical" excuse, they responded overwhelmingly,  "NOT WELL."

This is where direct instruction on social situations is useful for everyone.  We've known for years that some kids need to have social language and cues taught to them but, in fact, all kids benefit from some instruction.  Even kids who are "fluent" in social language can gain empathy by hearing from their peers that this can be hard to figure out.

On the whiteboard we charted out why those kinds of responses often escalate conflict.  In a nutshell, Person 1 is making a simple request that they don't see as a big deal - "That's my pencil," "Don't poke me," "Please don't talk," "I was sitting there."  These simple requests are often just granted without any drama so, when Person 2 denies doing it (on a technicality) it is an unexpected behavior and, frankly, an infuriating one.  Thus, Person 1 responds angrily.

So what to do?  I charted out two possibilities.  Both start with putting on the breaks and taking a breath before you say anything.

Then, option 1: Say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to."  "What if you're not sorry?" one child asked.    Other kids pointed out that their parents had asked them not to say sorry as often (for which they often apologized!) Indeed that word can be tricky.  I pointed out that it's a powerful word to deflate angry situations.  I often say it to make it clear there is no intention of harm.  In the end we came up with a few alternatives like "Oops, I didn't mean to." and "Oh, I didn't mean to."  We also agreed that some of us may need to say sorry less, but others need to say it more.

Option 2 you use if you genuinely don't think you did anything like what Person 1 has said.  In that case, Person 2 should ask for more information or an explanation.  We practiced tone for for this response.  There's can be honesty or snarkiness in the words, "Can you explain to me exactly what you think has happened?"

Whew!  What with processing and stories about "4/5 lawyering gone wrong" what started out as a brief check in took close to 20 minutes.  The Herons didn't want to stop but we needed to get back to Baghdad (where our caravans in theme were stopping for the day).  The consensus was that more lessons like this would be helpful.  It was a great reminder that this pre-adolescent stage is a great time to talk about patterns that, in a few years, could be a lot harder to address.

* A quick shout out to lawyers - the attention to precise language is an invaluable skill that I greatly admire...it's just dangerous in the hands of a grumpy fourth grader.